**This is a bit of a pity party post**
Today as I held Ethan’s hand to go into the LDS chapel after Sunday School classes had released, it felt as if we were fish, all being pulled in the same direction by the current called sacrament meeting. There were lots of us in the hallway, sardines in a tin can, and I didn’t know any of the other fishes names, barely knew their faces, and felt they didn’t care about me or my little family. They’d done nothing to make me feel this way, but it’s just how I was feeling…
I don’t know if it was being a little tired and grumpy, or a bit hormonal since it’s almost “that” time, but I felt so alone. That feeling of being alone sucked the air out of my lungs as Ethan and I swam with the current, caused me to want to go home, not sit with my boys for another hour to listen to sermons being preached over the pulpit during ward conference as I shushed them and tried to help them be reverent and listen.
The boys were sitting in an odd spot in the chapel, surrounded by people I did not know. Children I did not know. Strangers who might talk about my sometimes wild (but sometimes so reverent!) boys, one of whom refuses to eat the sacrament bread when it has “seeds” in it (that happened again today, sometimes I feel like I am back in the singles ward the way my kids refuse the sacrament!), wondering why my husband was not sitting on my pew (he was home, feeling badly, MS is hard). I build up crazy stories about what others must think of my little crew in my head, which really doesn’t help.
When I looked to my left in the chapel, I saw Brother Reed, alone on his pew, and the Thompson’s right behind him, the Alexander’s in front. It felt like home, it felt safe. I took a breath, asked Brother Reed (man, I sure love that man, he’s such a wonderful person and example for us all) if we could join him, and sat down with fishes I knew…and I felt less alone.
It’s not always bad, really, it was just one weird moment of feeling like a fish, lost at sea, lonely and sad. I guess I need to do what Dory would do and JUST KEEP SWIMMING, be grateful for the people I do have in my life and embrace them more fully and look for the good….and ignore the damn “REVERENCE IS LOVE” sign being held up to try to bully us into being quiet in the chapel. instead of saying hello to those sitting around me..when else am I supposed to get to talk to anyone when I have a calling in primary surrounded by kids and forcing reverence and a husband who bolts out the door at the last AMEN and doesn’t look back? 😉
have you had moments where you were surrounded yet felt so alone?