I recently talked with a friend who mentioned this blog post I’d written on my baby blog when I was pregnant with Ethan. She said it helped her to see she was not alone in her feelings.
I thought I’d share it here…because maybe it will help others see their feelings of sadness, even when they should be happy, and even when the know there are others who would kill just to be pregnant at all, are still important. I pray every day for a few of my friends to be able to have this blessing, and I hope if they are reading this, they are not upset by my selfish depression I suffered from.
I, of course, love Ethan with all my heart and soul, but for a few months of the pregnancy, I was a hot mess of emotions over not getting what I “wanted”…funny how God knows what you need, not want. They were still very real emotions, and I don’t want for you to think I am just a jerk for not being happy Ethan was happy and healthy…we aren’t always in control of our emotions, especially when pregnant.
The following are some excerpts from mom’s in my group. I hope they don’t mind me sharing, but they validate that my feelings of disappointment and extreme sadness are okay. I wonder if the disappointment you sometimes experience is addressed, or if we pregnant women are just told, “at least the baby’s healthy” and then expected to instantly move on and be happy, as if we didn’t dream our entire lives of having what we wanted, only to have that dream crushed forever by a smiling tech with a wand covered in jelly in her hand. It takes time, and I am optimistic that by the time this baby arrives, or at least by the time he is a few hours old :-), I will feel differently. But for now, I am sad, except when I think of how cute his room is going to be after Karen paints the cool trees on the wall.
1. Okay, I’ll tell you my deep, dark, skeleton-in-the-closet secret that I don’t tell anyone, lest they decide I am a terrible mother.
When I had my u/s with J., the tech asked if I wanted to know what I was having. I told her yes, if she could tell, but not to go digging around for it. She laughed and said it was quite obvious, since he was holding his parts. I laughed. Not a giggly laugh, not a happy laugh…a maniacal, creepy laugh that even scared me. The woman got this look on her face that seemed like she was afraid I’d stab myself in the throat with her little wand and said “Oh, is your other one a boy?” I just kept laughing…”and my other one, and my other one, and my other one. Fourth boy in a row. But my oldest is a girl.”
The tech then launched into a tirade about how I’d never have to take out the trash, mow the lawn, move furniture, find a baseball team. I had a built in army of men.
With my 3rd, 4th, and 5th children (oh, especially the 5th), I threw a ginormous pity party and the world was against me and everyone hated me and dh’s junk was possessed and trying to kill me and the world was ending. Lots of teenie weenies in those ultrasounds.
I wanted another girl so, so badly. I wanted a girly, prissy little girl who only wore frilly dresses and patent leather shoes. Yes, I know I have a daughter, but she’s into video games and sports and wouldn’t wear a lacy dress if you threatened to put her Pokemon cards through the shredder. Not that I’ve tried or anything.
I didn’t get another girl. It made me very, very sad. I almost had to go through a little bit of grief, especially with the last, simply because I had to let go of the image in my head. And it was hard.
Yes, there’s all that crap about how all you really want is a healthy baby, and you’ll love your son no matter what and blah, blah, blah. And yes, it is all true. Every single word of it. I love being the Queen in my home. I love watching my sons become men. I love having a part in growing them into nurturing, wonderful, strong men. But I still had to let go of what I wanted.
2. I wanted another girl with our 4th. I had no business wanting either a boy or girl, we already had one boy and two girls, but nonetheless, I found myself disappointed when I found out. We had it written down and in an envelope and hidden in a drawer. One day when my husband was at work, I could not stand it anymore (heck, I gave in to every other whim while I was pregnant, why not this??), and I peeked in the envelope. It said, “it’s a boy.” My heart sank. Isn’t that awful?? I’ve never even admitted this out loud, but since you mentioned it, I thought I’d share my similar feelings. I felt like, “what kind of a mother is disappointed, especially when I already have girls?”
Want to know how I got over it? Shopping!! I left everyone home with my husband and went out and shopped for new baby boy stuff and talked myself into being excited about it. Healthy, that’s the most important thing, and I know you’ll come to that sooner or later.
Don’t beat yourself up too much. Hormones are always making things worse in lots of ways! I would want a girl if I were you, too, if that helps.
3. i have one friend who was so sure child #1 was a girl…she even bought these ridiculously funny and expensive juicy coutour pirate pacis for it. when her ultrasound said “boy”, she was devastated. when i talked with her, she admitted she was ashamed of her feelings and that she thought she should only feel happiness that the baby was healthy. i’m glad i had the experience of “disappointment” so she would know she isn’t alone in feeling this. of course, just as i adore j., she now adores j. and can’t imagine life being different, but for a few days, she was bummed.
there should be a short lived support group for mom’s with their hearts set on sex A who find out it is sex B…oh, and it would have to be two different groups that meet at two different times, b/c i would get pissed if i heard someone prattling on about how they really just wanted a boy when i was totally jealous of them.