Okay, so maybe I should start at the beginning….not the part where I was about to pee my pants…
Some friends and I decided to set up a girls night out to celebrate our belated birthdays. We went out to eat supper at Cheddars…cheap, yummy, fun. We wanted to just hang out there all night, but…eventually, we felt the waiter was going to poison our drinks if we didn’t leave so he could get another big table of 6-8 in to fill his wallet….
It was still early (just 8:30!) so…..
We walked….in the freezing cold….to Charming Charlies, which was maybe 1/4 a mile? from Cheddars. Y’all, that is such a cute store full of awesome accessories. They had a buy one get one free sale….so we all bought and got free. We spent about half an hour in there, until they turned off the music and said, “You don’t have to go home but you can’t stay here…” (http://youtu.be/xGytDsqkQY8)
So, we gathered. In the freezing cold. And decided to head to a dive bar with karaoke where Megan knew the owner and bonus points, it was just down the street! I mean, no way were we ending our KID FREE night before 10, right?
We go in. We find a table. We hang out. Megan gets down to business and submits some songs…she’s the karaoke singer. Not me. Normally, herbest friend, Stephani, is with us to also sing. But…not tonight.
Megan eyes each of her friends at the table, laughing. Chatting. Just having a good time.
And then she attacks. She knew who the weakest link was. The sucker. The one she could get to sing so the table (and the bar) could have a good laugh. The one who loves her the most.
“Jessica, You have *got* to sing a song!”
“Jess, it’s so easy!”
“Don’t be a chicken”
“Come on, listen how awful this guy sounds! You can do better then that” (He did sound bad…)
Well, a few more bad singers go…and I start thinking, “HEY, MAYBE I AM NOT AS BAD AS I THINK/AM TOLD BY MY KIDS AND HUSBAND?” (all caps b/c we are near a speaker and even thinking is done in a scream) I mean, that time the LDS choir didn’t remember to tell me they changed their practice time to half an hour before I got there, that was an accident, right????
So, I slowly walk to get the big, heavy song book, filled with every awesome and awful song from 1999 back. Sure, he has newer stuff, just not in the books. I am not song savvy enough to just say, “Oh, I’d be good singing X”.
I look through the book. Get an idea…nope, not in the book.
Look through the book again. Strike two. What no Miley Cyrus?
Then….a moment of genius. I’m taken back to maybe 2001? to a fun night in Baton Rouge, LA when the Baton Rouge Second Ward did a really fun Tina Turner “Rollin On The River” skit.
Oh, that was so much fun! I could do that song. Sort of fast, lots of “dododododods” to sing.
So, I submit my song and sort of verbal diarrhea on the paper, embellishing it up a bit “Jessica, Karaoke Virgin and Not Happy To Have Her Title Taken Away” or something to that effect. Of course, the DJ ate that up when he saw it. (Maybe I wanted the attention?)
I think I am doing good, picking a song that will be easy to sing, maybe I can be silly and “dance” in (ha, I stink more at dancing then I do singing!)….and then the terror sets in and the problems start up.
First off, the DJ says, “I can be your Ike”…me, “Um, okay!?!???” (Ike sings in this song? I don’t remember having an Ike when we did it in LA…) I worry I will be beaten and possibly sexually assaulted by my table?
Second. I experience an incredible urge to pee. So, I head to the lady’s and take care of business. But, as soon as I am back at the table, I need to go again.
I start to think I should bolt. My stomach is twisted in knots, I feel like I am going to pee, I can’t remember any of the words (I thought about going to the car and calling Bart to have him play it to me over the phone), and I am feeling flush. Light headed. Wondering, “What the hell did I get myself into”. I want to run and hide but….
The DJ comes on, “After Megan, we’ve got a real treat in store for you. … Jessica. A karaoke virgin, gonna lose it in front of us all” (or something less vulgar but equally embarrassing…but, I had set myself up for this.)
And then…a cold. hard. big. microphone is shoved into my hands, there is music in the key of b (IDK, some key, and I am thinking, “No one gave ME a key!”) and…
Oh, I can talk.
“Y’ know, every now and then
I think you might like to hear something from us….”
And then…SLOOOOOOWLY I have to sing the next part…how did I forget that?
I left a good job in the city
Working for the man every night and day
And I never lost one minute of sleeping
Worrying ’bout the way things might have been.
I killed it.
And by killed it, I mean, it ate my lunch. I was awful. A guy actually said, “Man, you are awful!” Of course, I started the song by saying, “I really, really suck at singing. I am so bad…” So, I sort of gave him permisson.
And then…..BAM DO DO DODO DO….FAST.
Dancing…sort of shocked my friends.
SINGING…LOUDLY AND PROUDLY. Missing some of the words…howdoyousingsofastandhaveairinyourlungstoo?
Dancing. Being silly. Being embarrassed.
It was over.
They clapped. I bowed.
And then I sat down, took a big gulp of my Dr. Pepper, and started plotting revenge on Megan.
But, deep down, in a super secret place….I actually had some fun and would love to do it again….IF it was in a hearing impaired karaoke bar.
Told ya it was bad…but Megan’s comment at the beginning makes it worth the humiliation of sharing. 😉
So, next time you go out for a girls night out…be sure you plan ahead, so you don’t wind up at a karaoke dive and get suckered into singing…or make sure you pull the “DD” card and threaten to make them walk home if they keep bullying you any more.
And about my alternate title, “Why Sober People Should Never Sing Karaoke”? Yeah…that drunk guy that was so awful dogs howled? Well…he didn’t remember his performance the next day…..