I used to think (even up until yesterday, probably even this morning before I dropped the boys off) that I’d not want to return to working away from home once all three boys are in school. I would stay home and make a perfectly clean house, decorate cakes, and do amazing projects.
I still want to do that, maybe…but after sending Jackson and Brennan to school today, I am having second thoughts about being at home alone all day.
And, it’s like I’ve turned into a crazy person. I’ve cleaned the kitchen, done “school” with Ethan, tended to the garden with Ethan, and searched for jobs at the YMCA and a local preschool, thinking I could work there part time and Ethan could go to preschool there, something to occupy our time (Not in the budget for him to go this year, what with an amazing furnace and free flowing plumbing bills we have.)
And…I am lonely. I miss my two little guys. And I keep crying. I am crying writing this! I am insane y’all…I think I lost my mind! I’ve never been so sad before, not even when Jackson went to kindergarten last year. I don’t know what the difference is. Maybe I am just really tired and letting it show by crying. That could be it, right? I’m not crazy, right?
It has shown me, though…that I really DO need to work now on getting certified in Nebraska so I can teach or substitute once Ethan is in school in two more years. I will just be too lonely without any of my boys around all day every day! I think I’d like to be a sub so that I can still participate in the boys school activities and also be able to stay home when they are sick or have a day off of school.
I know I will be fine, readjust to the routine of 1 instead of 3. Maybe next summer I should just ship them off to Louisiana and then I won’t notice the quiet when school starts back. 😉 We had such a fun time this summer, it’s hard to say goodbye to that right now. This summer I tried very hard (some days, lol) to “be present”. Yes, there was a LOT of moments spent thinking about what would happen next and sticking to a schedule and planning and not at all enjoying the moment. But there were a lot of moments were I actually really paid attention to the things Brennan was showing me on his video game, where I hung out with them after quiet reading time and just listening to them chat about their random things that were interesting to them at that moment. It was a great way to spend a few months.
I will be back to normal tomorrow, and I will be dry eyed and fine (Or I will be considering googling “crazy pills” so I can see how to cure my blues). But for today, I already miss my snuggles and hugs and random “LOVE YOU MOM”‘s yelled up at me from the basement.